If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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