My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
