He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Randomize
