the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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