my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
