Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My ATM looks so different sober.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
