if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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