there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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