I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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