Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
