Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
