I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
