At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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