I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
