so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
