when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
