Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
