And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
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You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You were trust falling into bushes
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