he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
