around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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