you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
