who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
