Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
