I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The air taste purple.
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