good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
