the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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