So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
