OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
