Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
