that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
