I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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