dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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