I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
