Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
