man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
