I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
