It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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