how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
