hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
