mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
