sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
