my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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