alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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