Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
