mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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