Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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