I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
