Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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