I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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