I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
