She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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