did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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