Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can't put those talents on a resume
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
