I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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