I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
