I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
