I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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