I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
