doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
