After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
